Tell Tales 1-5-23

Jan 4, 2023 | Tell Tales | 0 comments

BY JOHN SCHAFFNER

The Great Swami (otherwise known as your slightly cynical Beacon Newspaper Publisher) predicts what Ottawa County and the World will look like in 2032. Remember, we’re just having a little fun, OK?


January 2033 – On January 20, Donald Trump, Jr. is sworn in as President of the United States along with Vice President Tulsi Gabbard. Trump, Jr. calls for tax cuts, the building of a border fence, the strengthening of the armed forces and full employment.

Vladimir Zielinski begins his 9th year as President of Russia. Since the 2008 coup, mainland China, having adopted a democratic constitution and free enterprise, has become the overwhelming producer of goods and services on the globe.

Ohio State beats Southern Cal to win the National Championship of College Football.


February 2033 – Ageless Deshaun Watson throws for 356 yards, 3 touchdowns and no interceptions in the Cleveland Browns’ 38-14 win over the Washington Commanders. Trevion Henderson rushes for 186 yards, including a pair of touchdowns.

The Port Clinton Rotary Club serves over 1,000 pizzas at their annual Pizza Challenge. Best Pizza is won by The Brickhouse.


March 2033 – Coach J.D. Bergman leads his Rocket wrestling team to the Division II State championship edging former Congressman Jim Jordan’s St. Paris Graham team by 3 points. Meanwhile, Coach Ryan Francis leads the Port Clinton Redskins to the Division IV basketball championship with a 75-59 win over Gnadenhutten Indian Valley South in the finals.


April 2033 – Filming begins on the new Television Series “Rainbow’s End,” based on the books of Bob Adamov. The entire show will be filmed on South Bass Island, Port Clinton and Marblehead. Macauley Culkin plays the lead.

Oak Harbor Mayor Gary Macko gets a hole in one at the Red Cross Tournament at Oak Harbor Golf Club. Actually, he hit the ball off a tree and it miraculously fell in the hole! All the marinas in Port Clinton, Catawba, Marblehead and Carroll Township are filled to the brim with fishermen seeking to break the “biggest walleye” record of 22 pounds. Don Clemons lands a 24-pounder off Niagara Reef.


May 2033 – President Trump and officials at the Pentagon announce that, as part of the military strengthening program, the U.S. Government is re-establishing the Erie Ordinance Depot and taking over a significant portion of the Lake Erie Business Park for their operations. They are expected to employ over 1,000 people once fully implemented. The Homeless Crisis hits Ottawa County hard. Eric Leuthold announces his retirement as head football coach, and 80-year-old Gary Quisno is appointed to the position.


June 2033 – Ottawa County Commissioners John Paul Dress, Diane Belden and Quinton Babcock announce the appointment of an overall County Supervisor and congratulate Mack Gilleland for accepting the position. Lakeside’s season opens with a huge concert at Hoover Auditorium featuring Michael Buble. Port Clinton Mayor Mike Snider announces that the 10-year project to completely re-do the city’s infrastructure has been completed. Water and sewer lines needed to be extended to provide for expanded subdivisions extending south and west of Bataan School and True Lay Stadium. The Cleveland Cavaliers defeat the Golden State Warriors, winning Game 7. Darius Garland scores 40 points in the win.


July 2033 – Brook Rodwancy’s entrepreneurial spirt continues to blossom, as she and her family purchase The Island House in downtown Port Clinton. Then it was announced that Nickolai Blumensaadt and family will begin a new Restaurant operation in the Knoll Crest Plaza that used to be Nate’s and then Waldo Peppers. They also announce construction of a 20 story MGM Hotel and Casino on the grounds of The Orchard Farm Stand.


August 2033 – The Chick Schaffner Memorial Charity Golf Classic becomes a new event on the PGA Tour. After nearly 20 years, The Ohio State University turns back to Elmore native Jon Watters to once again direct “The Best Damn Band in the Land,” the OSU Marching Band. About time! The Lakeside Association completes its season with record receipts and attendance.


September 2033 – The Rock-the-Light concert at the new Palladium at Waterworks in Port Clinton features Three-Doors-Down and draws 25,000. Also, Jason Aldean is the feature performer at the annual “Bash at the Bay” concert at the Put-in-Bay airport.


October 2033 – The Cleveland Guardians beat the Chicago Cubs in six games to win the World Series. Ageless Terry Francona becomes the oldest manager to win the Fall Classic. Meanwhile, The dream of an unbeaten season for Port Clinton and Coach Gary Quisno are dashed as Coach Jack Alexander’s Oak Harbor Rockets spring an upset in the last game of the regular season. Both teams make the State Playoffs.


November 2033 – Mike Snider becomes the longest-term Mayor of Port Clinton since John Fritz won election over Bill Rigoni. Beth Gillman wins the President of Council race in a tight matchup with Debbie Hymore-Tester. Gary Macko also wins re-election as Mayor of Oak Harbor while Rose Lucas Haninger wins re-election to be Mayor of Marblehead. The TV ratings for the new show “Rainbows End” are through the roof.


December 2033- Both Port Clinton and Oak Harbor High School football teams earn the playoffs as the No. 1 and No. 2 seeds in the region. The two teams met in the regular season finale and Oak Harbor won, 21-20. They meet again in the Regional finals and the score is tied at 14-14 at the end of regulation. Following three overtimes the Redskins win it 20-14 and go on to beat Massillon Perry for the Division IV Championship. Then, on the last day … the fish came down at midnight.

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