Tell Tales 1-6-22

Jan 5, 2022 | Tell Tales | 0 comments

The Great Swami (otherwise known as your slightly cynical Beacon Newspaper Publisher) predicts what Ottawa County and the World will look like in 2032. Remember, we’re just having a little fun, OK?


January 2032 – President Ron DeSantis begins the last year of his tenure by signing a non-aggression pact with the United States of China, whose Communist government was overthrown by a military coup in 2028. The top brass in the Chinese military establishes a new constitution and divides the country into 69 independent states and a democratic republic form of government, all based on the American model. Ohio State beats Michigan for the second time to win the National Championship of College Football.


February 2032 – Covid-265, otherwise known as the Zeta variant, crops up again. However, it is such a mild strain that citizens only get the sniffles. President DeSantis says “no masks.” Ageless quarterback Tom Brady and coach Urban Meyer lead the rejuvenated Cleveland Browns to a 31-20 Super Bowl win over the Las Vegas Raiders. At 55, Brady, traded to the Browns in 2022 for Baker Mayfield, is the oldest quarterback ever to play in the NFL, let alone win an NFL Championship.


March 2032 – Oak Harbor Mayor, Gary Macko, leaves for an extended golf vacation in Acapulco. Unfortunately, two of his errant shots hit and injure other golfers. “I yelled fore,” said Macko after the incidents. Coach J.D. Bergman leads the Rocket wrestling team to the Division II State championship. Meanwhile, Coach Ryan Francis leads the Port Clinton Redskins to the Division IV basketball championship with an 82-49 win over Dayton Dunbar in the finals.


April 2032 – All the marinas in Port Clinton, Catawba, Marblehead and Carroll Township are filled to the brim with fishermen seeking to break the “biggest walleye” record of 22 lbs. The record is actually broken by ageless D’Arcy Egan, former Beacon editor, who lands a 23-pound, 6-ounce walleye just south of West Sister Island. The Ohio Wildlife Council has increased the daily bag limit of walleye to 20.


May 2032 – The Homeless Crisis hits Ottawa County hard. Fortunately, thanks to the foresight of the Ottawa County Commissioners Matt Montowski, Michelle Isch and Diane Rozak, working with the Transitional Housing Board chaired by Kassie Anderson, a permanent “homeless shelter,” located just south of Port Clinton on SR 53, manages to provide housing and shelter for the homeless population. Virtually all of the homeless find jobs in the local service industry.


June 2032 – Put-in-Bay entrepreneur Scott Jackson, owner of THE GOAT on South Bass Island and St. Lucia, will expand to provide food and beverage service to The Island House in Port Clinton. They name it “The Goat Affair,” and their logo features two goats doing . . . well never mind. They begin operations immediately, and it is a hit with both locals and visitors. The Cleveland Cavaliers defeat the Los Angeles Lakers to win the NBA Championship.


July 2032 – Missy Skinner, owner of the Marblehead Galley, announces the purchase of the Red Fern Inn. She plans to turn it into an upscale restaurant, wine bar, and Airbnb. For the first time in a century, every business address in BOTH downtown Port Clinton and Oak Harbor are filled and occupied. That includes all of the residences located above the businesses.


August 2032 – The Lakeside Association completes its season with record receipts and attendance. The appearance of The All-Ohio Band Directors Band, under the direction of Elmore native Jon Waters, is the biggest draw of the season. Waters replaced Rod Miller as the Port Clinton High School band director in 2022.


September 2032 – The Rock-the-Light concert at the new Palladium at Waterworks in Port Clinton features Three-Dog-Night and draws 25,000. As the number of art prizes has grown over the years, the size of their cash purses has increased as well. The Japanese financial company Nomura Holdings, Inc. created the world’s biggest art prizes a decade ago — and an award for one artist that comes with a $1 million check. It has been won this year by sculptor Andy Sacksteder. Surrounded by his sculptures as he works on his latest creations at The Art Garage in Port Clinton, is an artist who has created a body of work of major cultural significance. Sacksteder’s latest is a 40-foot, 1,000-pound Lake Erie walleye that glows in the dark. Sacksteter dazzled the world when his monstrous fish was dunked in the Portage River on New Year’s Eve.


October 2032 – The Cleveland Guardians beat the New York Mets in six games to win the World Series. President and General Manager LeBron James said he has finally signed the key player for the Cleveland Cavaliers to win the NBA Championship again, acquiring former Port Clinton High School and The Ohio State University basketball star Adam Thorban, who guided the Redskins to a state championship. With a core of older stars like Jarrett Allen, Evan Mobley, and Darious Garland, Coach Kevin Love agrees with the Hall of Fame owner.


November 2032 – Tim Scott of South Carolina becomes the first Republican person of color to win the Presidency of the United States in a close race with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Mark Coppeler wins the Ohio Governor’s race. Emmy winner Brittany Howard has become such a fan of Lake Erie’s walleye after dozens of trips to the Lake Erie Islands in recent years that she’ll be starring in this year’s Bash on the Bay on South Bass Island. The lead vocalist and guitarist for Alabama Shakes, Howard has also purchased North Bass Island from the Ohio Department of Natural Resources and is turning it into her own private fishing camp.


December 2032- Both Port Clinton and Oak Harbor High School football teams earn the playoffs as the No. 1 and No. 2 seeds in the Region. The two teams met in the regular season finale and tied 21-21. They meet again in the Regional finals and again, the score is tied at 14-14 at the end of regulation. Following three overtimes, the Rockets win it 20-14 and go on to beat Massillon Perry for the Division IV Championship. Gary Quisno comes out of retirement to coach the Danbury Lakers to their first 8-man State Championship.

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